| instead of writing |
[02 Oct 2008|06:32am] |
you another pointless letter I have decided to recoil my efforts into my writing of a book. One I have thought about writing for a long time.
I feel like I've made my peace with this and perhaps you are right to say I should focus on myself more. Here is one way to do that.
I could never marry a shut in I guess.
now I feel lucky-unlucky
happy and unhappy. both come in flashes.
I just don't understand sometimes. Is that my entire personality, my entire being? Just this quizzical being. I question before I really get a chance to even tell what is going on first sometimes. Maybe this detective style is what I pay attention to more and what I gather more from.
he says I care too much and I am too giving. This seems implacable.
so you're saying if I cared less you would care more? Is that my problem? My one character flaw you seem to focus on is how I care too much.
I think there are two kinds of people in my life and too many of the latter. The first being caring, giving individuals and the second being people that are allusive and inattentive to relationships with most of everyone around them. I think I am hyper attentive to people around me and my relationship with them. How is it that so many people like it when someone is hard to reach emotionally and acts aloof?
I try so hard sometimes with the things I really care about and what matters to me despite what you think.
People in my life either view me as really confidant and outgoing or very self conscious and down grading on myself. I guess I am a mixture of both but I try to stick to confidence.
Today I almost started crying when someone said they lost all their sympathy for the woman in "The Yellow Wall Paper" at the end. I had to stop myself from crying in the middle of class about this small thing. It just shocks me, his words were something like, "It's one thing to know if a person has a bad childhood or terrible things that happened to them but would I want a person like this sitting next to me in this room?" my heart broke at the end of this statement. I don't understand how anyone could be so incapable of simple human compassion.
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| Dear Pefectly Flawed, |
[31 Jul 2008|10:58am] |
Will we repeat last years affair? Driving home at five in the morning is disconcering.
I believe me days of idle worship are over perhaps for good. My sister said I am my own god.
In my dream I was in a hotel with this couple and the man was trying to trick the woman into loving him. We,me and some other guy, took their kids so they could have some alone time. One boy and a girl, very young like todlers or three year olds. We went on an exploration of the area. I think we might have been even been meeting up with their parents. We were walking in this meadow when we ran into some other hikers who were also from San Francisco and we talked about the cities lack of churches. Someone claimed that it had none and I said it wasn't true because we had some small churches and one big Catholic church. On the way there we had to climb over this low stone wall and when we got over it we realized there was a man sleeping on the other side that appeared to be homeless and he tried to attack me or rape me. And then the guy I was with jumped into super protective mode, I guess he used to be a cop, and got us out of there. Then later I think we were in a hotel room having sex in this animalistic premitive man and woman way. The kind of passion that comes from having faced obsticles and overcoming them. My motivation was gratuity for my life I suppose and his was protective lust. It is the way to feel closest to someone.
But in reality I fall short of such closeness.
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| I've got a pocket full of sunshine |
[11 Jun 2008|11:51pm] |
well I know you may want to unhook my bra with your eyes(actually maybe not you specifically but one of you obviosly does)
umm
this is bad form really barb... you are just confusing everyone
you are deep and shit on here
flirty and weird on facebook
and on myspace you are just soo sacastic
ok you caught me......
actually I really don't have a system but those are some trends.
I am so tired. THis isn't a post this is a retarded rant.... shit
well the thing about bras is that I don't wear one a lot of the time.... so sometimes you don't even have to unhook my bra in your mind....
haha..
"life is funny isn't it" that is barbara's over used quote for the day.
night all
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| Love and Haight |
[04 Jun 2008|04:47pm] |
Leave a comment and I will:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.
La la love you
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| Romance |
[03 Jun 2008|02:41am] |
I want one of those incredibly romantic moments like at the end of movies where a guy wins me over by bringing me a puppy.
Does that sound cheesy?
I mean I just can't understand why things are the way they are. Are we just a random set of circumstances that just add up into some kind of huge puzzle made up of millions of tiny little puzzle pieces?
What's a girl to do?
I mean I got bored, I admit that. And it seems like everyone in the world and their mom just gets bored and goes on some kind of dating cite to find love.
Is it really out there?
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| A Barbie Interception |
[13 May 2008|01:42am] |
"Were you scared" I read on the page of the woman sitting next to me on the 6.
I was terrrified. I wrote all over my body in boredom sitting in the living room. A stranger on the 28 wanted to call me Barbie.
It was a muddled thing. I hope it turns out all right.
(My teacher would say those last two lines were extraneous)
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| Is anyone out there in the main frame? |
[10 Apr 2008|01:04am] |
Is anyone alive with a sex drive?
Hello world . Is this what you always wanted for me? Please say no, there simply has to be something more.
I look out my window to the feast of the street. Social prizes haven't been won. Why is it that I have this simple urge... this very archaric version of what I want. To be married.
He said i just wanted someone to love me. Well it's true and what is wrong with that? It's human nature right.
I don't think I come off as desperate but I'm just the kind of person who enjoys the company of others. A lot.
when will I wake up realize this was all a small dream that I can laugh off?
It's harder when it happens over and over.
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| mother oceania |
[10 Mar 2008|03:39pm] |
some dreams......
There was this daycare where they tortured children. There was a room that had mirrors instead of windows so when the children would try to look out to escape they would just see themselves. There was a man and a women running this daycare. They would kidnap children and take them into this room. They would torture the other children but more subtly than the ones they kidnapped
I woke up and went back to sleep and the dream continued...
I was walking along a river with this man. They was a suspension bridge and I walked over it with him. A women walked up it and fell off to her death. The man told me that is how he killed people. And I said, why did you tell me that, now I'm terrified of falling. THe bridge was really rickety. Then we swam back to the house/daycare. But now they were taking care of elders as well and abusing them. The elders would be raped. The men in charge would take then out to dinner after abusing them and dressing them up and putting make up on them. The house was large and had a mail box and an indoor pool. They also had a small ship they took on the river and it had racks that they tied children to to dunk into the water and torture and who knows what else...
........ and last night
I had a dream that I was reading this book about this family. They seemed really normal. BUt they were running out of money. So the sister murdered the brother by poisoning him. She took him to this restaurant outside of town they normally didn't go to. She put the poison in his food. She figured since they normally didn't eat there that it would be easier to get away with it since he wasn't used to the way the food tasted. He had a chile taco and she put it in that. THen he died and she got insurance money.
Then I was with my family getting ready for school. My dad was supposed to take me to school and he said I was taking too long to get ready. I borrowed socks from my sister.
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| Missing |
[29 Feb 2008|07:26pm] |
Lately I've been feeling like I was missing something. . . Like when you turn your head to see if you've left something on the train and there is nothing there but it still feels like something is.
It's a very unsettling feeling that I can't quite place. I'm not sure why I feel this way a lot or what is missing.
It's just like I keep forgetting something and I'm not sure what it is.
I don't know what to do.
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| He goes Without Me |
[14 Feb 2008|12:16am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blonde Redhead, Top Ranking |
] |
I haven't done it yet
I am not even sure what I have done
NOthing.... and under these false pretenses we live encircling this enrapture..
Am I being too cryptic again?
I fucking hate that it's valentines day again and I have no one.
I tried to call you but you never called back
I guess it doesn't make any sense to try and relight some old flames.
And I'm sick.
(This song will always make me think of you and that time I sang it to you, not today, not today, "What can I do?")
Right now I just feel so utterly alone. Going into my bed alone at night is hard. when will this end?
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| you're just somebody that I used to know |
[07 Feb 2008|04:41pm] |
I feel like flinging myself off a cliff. It's this little edge that winds and grinds till they suppose you know the popular vote.
He died and my hope for love died with him.
One day when we are really free will there be use for this? The catogorical nothingness in blogasphere?
One way I knew out was down.
When your options dissapear the only person left is a joke you wish you wouldn't have become.
Maybe I should have never woke up today.
(I wish there was a way I could look at you and not feel like crying.)
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| I will never accept being lucky and unhappy |
[16 Dec 2007|02:09pm] |
Now the urges can't be contained or obtained.
You ever get the feeling that you are walking the splippery line between el mundo beuno and el mundo malo?
That is how I feel. No love without pain.
my teeth are falling apart literally. With each day that passes by more of my fillings fall out.
Good thing the internet stopped working for me because otherwise I would be consumed by the devil(the internet) instead of doing my finals. I have a lot of work. One class I have really slacked off in. And my body feels very sore.
Am I deranged?
Good luck, dear one. Finals will fly by soon and the truth about our behavior will be revealed.
The end all to end all.
the last couple of days have felt like floating on the clouds.
I roost where the sparrows nest.
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| My Moon is back |
[09 Dec 2007|11:22pm] |
I finally feel like myself again. That last post.... god PMS. Seriosly. Now I am going to rock two essays that I waited for the last minute to do.
I forgot what PMS was like.
Sometimes I feel like joselyn: really beauitifull. Other times I feel like this failure. I have to remember I am not a failure. And no one has rejected me that I didn't need in my life.
So maybe I should stop trying with some people. I realize I do that I try to hold onto something that maybe was never there. It is hard making new friends. But the ones worth hanging onto are there somewhere.
Sometimes you just have to realize who your friends are.
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| Do I give you reasons to reject me? |
[08 Dec 2007|03:03am] |
If I had to guess I would have to say yes otherwise I don't think I would be looking at no so much.
These days there is really no one I can depend on. Maybe I never trusted anyone fully.
Maybe I never will.
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| oh dear baby blue |
[20 Nov 2007|08:58am] |
I cannot pretend to not be affected by two thigns I heard about that are going on right now in america. For instance stacy peterson... how did she become a stacy peterson. I hope you are not dead. I hope someone finds you. I am trying to hope for you.
The other thing is that cell phone thing that is happening. 400 calls they can't find answer or even trace that went to dispatch. Someone is out there hurting. I hope they will be found. They have speculated it may be a prank but I don't think someone would be that fucked up for no reason. I just don't think anything like this should happen to anyone at all. I hope they find you.
I haven't read into it much but so I don't know if it would be even likely to be even remotely true but I hope in some ways that is Stacy cause then stacy has some hope to actually be alive and not be dead.
I will try to be there for you. But I not sure how I can help. I wish I knew how to help find you. I think I could because I do have some telapathic abilities.
Update: after some further inquiry I decided maybe I am right. After all illinois where stacy a woman who actually has a daughter named lacy, and the phone calls are coming from iowa. I think they are sister states?
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| I realized everything |
[17 Nov 2007|10:11am] |
that was wrong about me for a long time was just birth control. I was experiancing all the side effects at once that were messed up about it. I remember back when it started I wrote a post about how I could never feel anything. I told wallace this. I felt like nothing was ever good enough and I was completly dead emotionally. Then I just got used to it and it got even worse. It was like everything that was bad about me in some way was just so much more compounded. I was so needy. It was like I suddenly had all these needs that no one was meeting for me and I just couldn't get anything right. It's like arielle says exactly, "It is like a taste of pregnancy for far too long. Gestating nothing for a realy long time is far too fucked up."
I was so far out of it that even as she was telling me this I was still a birth control zombie. I just barely registered it. I was in a very bad mentel fog. Everything was about tunnel vision. When people talked to me I didn't care at all about what they were saying. Mostly I was thinking, how does this affect me? Well guess what things matter to me. I have been off those drugs and after two months it was like a switch went off in me and suddenly everything is not so fucked up and so god damned fucking awefull. I am a person again. And I am thee person. I have so much energy.
On Thursday I rode my bike from here to Haight st. It was sooo wonderful. It felt like riding my bike was the best thing in the whole world. I went over two different sets of hills that were very hard to climb. I just got out there and decided that I wanted to just get up and go. I didn't have a plan or a map I just had a bike and myself. I love myself.
When I was on the birth control I lost every focus I ever knew. I just had no focus what so ever. I thought that my life was disconnected and weird back when I was at the jc and that was because of the drugs. I gained 35 lbs. I tried to tell ask my dr. what was going on and she was just like any other dr. when I thought she was really cool. She said that the form of birth control I was on didn't do that. I think now if she had cared at all just a little bit more and bothered to ask a few questions she would have realized that I was in a birth control k hole and that is fucked up.
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| procrastinating in spain |
[31 Oct 2007|12:56am] |
I don't have any holloween plans... and giovanni's room is calling. Too bad it is getting colder kids.
when will I see you again?
P.S. Last night there was an earthquake and I felt it.
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| How I wish you were here |
[03 Oct 2007|10:47am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Silently Blonde Redhead |
] |
On Oct 24, a Wednesday of all likely days by favorite band is coming back to town finally so I won't have to cry. I just will buy tickets in advance and love love love love love love love love love love..........
BLONDE REDHEAD
yah!!! I don't have anyone to go with (yet) but anyone who likes blonde redhead should come. Maybe I'll see you there.
It will be all right...................................... I need it soo bad.. I'm so glad they finlly came back to town and it wasn't such a long wait. Plus that weekend I may have a dinner party.. we'll see
kissssses
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| procrastinating as usual |
[28 Sep 2007|01:34am] |
I should be starting and finishing a four page essay and sleeping yet I am here... horrah.. annie!!!! you should be reading this at some point and looking at pangea
so I am finally moviong back to sf
things are going well... I am taking my plant... and my new perception of time and space...
I am lost in a dream. I would rather be writing of fantacies or sleeping in your bed.
and I too have known the kiss of the night.
and i want to have parties. TO DIE FOR
you were always just what they expected
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| your invited to a party(Downtown Hide and Go Seek) |
[24 Aug 2007|02:40am] |
a crazy not really party party this is the idea "when the girls get together and the boys get together they're is bound to be something happening so why not something really fun"
Basic idea is to get together in Naps and get as many people as we can to come play down town tag... I even have maps cause I'm a concierge so we can make boundries and everything. Plus I'm moving back to state so I thought this would be fun before i go.
This doesn't have to be that long as I described but maybe afterwards we could get some food or something
When and Where: Sunday Aug. 26 @ 6:30PM
be there or be square
also bring a flashlight other wise we may get lost. I picked a time around dusk cause I thought one we got the hang out it we could easily do it at night.
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